I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
