I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
