I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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