Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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