Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
