I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
