You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
