then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
