Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize