i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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