dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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