I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Mom said you looked used
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
