Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
