I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
