I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
