My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
