So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
