the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
