I feel great
I just peed on a car
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
