yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize