I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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