Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
