Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
