so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
