new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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