i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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