I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
