Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
