i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
