Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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