sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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