There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
