It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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