You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize