I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
