Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
