Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
