you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
