I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
