KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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