Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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