Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
