I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
