i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
