Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Terrible idea I love it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
