He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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