The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
