Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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