allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
