and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
