Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
