I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
