Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
