I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
