My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
