I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
